I know I am a little behind, but I assure you that I am not skimping out on the adventures. On Thursday I decided that I was completely over stressed and feeling like a bus had just come thru and smashed into my emotions leaving only rubble behind. So I thought to myself that I need to do some crushing of my own, in the immortal words of Ken Larson "CRUSH! CRUSH! CRUSH!" With my client off to lunch (which rarely happens) at a Colonial Dames event, I took the opportunity to unchain myself from the server room and see the light of day. I suited up and headed towards Mission Bay on my bike! What a beautiful day! I feel a great amount of grief that there are people in this nation are subject to the harshness of a cold, snowy winter. If I could place an order I would say, "Give me 75 and sunny, without a cloud... oh yeah and a side of nice cool breeze to go with that, Thank you." For all my east coast friends, there is no argument one could offer to tell me that your hometown is better, although I love all your homes, and I have grown fond of one place in particular... but I am afraid of never seeing it again.
Anyways, the ride was very relieving, the kind of experience that really puts your mind in a good place. Turning off the thoughts of what needs to be done, subduing my emotions if not only for a moment (worth its weight in gold), and soaking up the rays of that big happy light in the sky. The setting is serene, a calm day down by the water as I pedal to the tunes of Incubus. My usual route takes me from the office down to Mission Bay golf course, back a lap fiesta island and back to the abyss of my job. A much better lunch than I am accustomed to; head down in a sandwich in front of my computer chewing and working at the same time. And everyone knows that working out is the best way for you to be positive, distracting you from yourself as you can focus on finishing. Phew...
As much as I relied on this menial task to release me from my heaven & hell of my emotional state, it worked only slightly. Have you ever wanted something so bad that it consumes every piece of or existence? That everything you do, think, see, hear, wish, dream all comes back to that one thing? That is where I am, and the toughest thing is realizing it's right there in front of me staring, taunting, full of false hope and I can only catch a glimpse of it were all the while I know that I don't deserve it. Grasping at thin air I fight the urges to dedicate my life to that one thing that I want most.
***As my readers, you are saying, "Justin, We all know what your talking about! Stop Bullshiting and being so cryptic". Which I would promptly respond, "I know, your my readers, a lovable bunch of intelligent rapscallions, but piss off and write your own blog!". ***
It's very unnerving to know that you have no control of your hopes & dreams. What's even scarier to think of is those hopes and dreams turning into sorrow as you wallow in self pity while they consume your life. And thats what I am learning to deal with right now, acting in a manner as to get out of their way. Stop fighting, expecting, wishing that I deserve them - hoping, wondering what is to become of that thing that I want most. No longer do I have motives in my actions, no longer chasing that what I truly covet in this world, but maybe finally patiently waiting to see how things come to pass. Spectating is the most difficult thing in my life to do, idly pacing in my mind while it seems that it is all right there in front of me for the taking.
The understanding that I don't want to take anymore is spiritually & mentally uplifting. It doesn't guarantee that I will achieve my life's destiny, but it ensures that my life is something that I can be proud to say I lived...
- Cheers
No comments:
Post a Comment