Cowles Mtn. Up, Up, & Away

(Saturday)
OK... Let's get this out of the way, all of you locals who wrongly pronounce the mountain, sit tight and learn... Oh I'll feed you baby birds!! Each person that pronounces it COWS MTN, you deserve to be confined to the corner with a DUNCE cap securely glued to you pitiful excuse for a head. The correct pronunciation is KHOLS MTN (you know like the store), doesn't take Brain Scientist or a Rocket Surgeon to figure that out, so those of you who have noggins that sound like a BB in a tin can, tattoo it on your forehead.

Reeling thing back a little bit, I have been noticing that I haven't been spending enough time with the boys, and Mr. Pants is starting to look round around his midsection. Also, Doobies was sidelined a bit, but has seemed to make a miraculous recovery (I really hoping that it is not a chronic issue); and the day was far too beautiful to spoil it with an indoor activity. Pig Pants, Doobies, and I headed out to the unknown wilderness, urning for that solitude only man can get while in nature, the kind of peace that calms ones-self allowing introspection. EPIC FAIL! Thinking that I was the only person in all of San Diego that had the epiphany to climb that mountain was absolutely off the mark. I couldn't even find a parking spot within 1/2 mile of the trail head. NOPE NOT GOING TO DO IT!

As much as I was hoping to avoid it, I knew what I had to do... The Back Side of the Mountain...DUNN, DUNN, DUNNNN.... To my delight there was hardly anyone there, what was going to be a struggle fighting Rawley pulling, crossing up the leashes, and avoiding other dogs, became a nice trip with the boys free to do what they pleased, and I could just climb. And that we did!! I had the boys huffing and puffing... while I was dying, but I didn't want to show them my weakness. There was a lovely breeze, not to hot without a cloud in the sky; the type of day as a San Diegan we have come to expect.

I found it easy to make it up, probably since I haven't been eating and I'm down about 6-10 pounds (weighed myself Tuesday night 167). I try, I force, but sometimes I just can't...my stomach hasn't been settled in over a month. The horrible thing is I am still out of shape :( So I guess that doesn't make me a Fat piece of Shit, just a piece of Shit *chuckle*! I am keeping the streak alive, I think this makes it 6 Good Days in a row, and I have a good feeling that I'm going to make it 7. I did have one positive thing to share with you, today I think was the first since I can remember that I wasn't so difficult on myself. The whole Justin = Justin theory, nothing more and finally nothing less.

- Cheers

Meeting Strangers... Everyone's A Friend That You Don't Know

So after yesterday's minor bitch session about work, I had to go into work on an off Friday BOOO! I powered thru a half day at feverish pace to get away from my dreary cold dungeon next to leaving behind my pals the servers (sometimes I feel bad for them always being cooped up confined to that room for their entire miserable lives). But not bad enough to break them out and subject myself to the legal issues the DoD my instill on me. Man do I always go down this utterly ridiculous tangents, it's amazing tat you readers tend to follow me down those rabbit holes.

About noon I skirted out of the front gates, headed for a meal and hopefully with a successful adventure. On a previous journey downtown I did have a fine time with some randoms while I enjoyed a fish dinner. While sitting all alone to the soundtrack of fans, that sounds like a swarm of African Killer Bees, I thought it would be interesting to go to a restaurant with the sole intension to have a meal with people/person who I have never met, STRANGERS! Being the consummate pick up artist I thought I would have no issues with coaxing new people to a meal with the man, the myth, the legend... Mr. Justin Summers. (Another thing I realized is that the only one of those I qualify for is the 1st, and not much of one in fact).

Thinking ahead I figured that Old Town would be a good place to meet some open tourists or grizzly locals. First, it is incredibly hard to do this type of contact with coming off like a serial murderer or child rapist, so if your not a cunning linguist you might not want to dive into this section of the pool. After some friendly exchanges at the bar (it's not like I can just wait at the front door and ask everyone that comes in, and the answer is no to the question that everyone wants to ask; not a drop), I ran into a local couple that could of passed for family on my Mom's side. I spoke with them for a bit, and just came out with it an eternity passed as I nervously awaited a response. Luckily for me they were ready for a meal, and would love the company.

Anne & Mack are a delightful couple that have lived in San Diego all their life, they have 2 kids both grown, and have been married 26 years. The conversation was much like the one's I have with Nana & Tata, not so personal but it resembled. A pleasant meal with pleasant company... The unfortunate outcome was the realization that I don't have a ton of friends of my own that I spend a considerable amount of time with. Looking back at the depressing state that I have broken out of, it was because I walled myself off from the world, I only had one best friend and I drove that person away with great veracity & now I don't even have that.

Knowing that you can't just grow friends on tree's, I need to make an effort to reinvigorate those past relationships that I dearly miss. Hopefully, they read this, so that they would know that I am not the same sad, depressed, terrible human being, but a rebuilt upgraded Justin 2.0... "we can rebuild him, we have the technology!!" Here I come you guys, beware... because friends will call you a retard, but a true friend will be there acting like one with you.

- Cheers

Ready for Retirement!

"Well they wouldn't call it Work, if it wasn't", I am calling shenanigans on that statement. I suggest a minor alteration... "Well they wouldn't call it work, if it wasn't a waste of time that nobody likes to do!" Lets try to have a rational thought about what as humans we do 1/3 of our life. Who among us likes what they do? I assume that there are way to few of us, who wake up every morning excited about the upcoming day. I have always been the guy who "works to live, and not live to work", it affords me a comfortable life no where wealthy but very lucky to be in the place where I am. Thursday I went to a "Going Away" party for a boss, and it got me thinking about my career (which I am not even sure if that pertains to me since I put little effort into it), my job, my goals, and really pondering what the hell I want out of them. I have been content with the status quo and as one would understand it makes the daily grind all that more difficult.

I have been questioning lately my laissez faire approach when it comes to my work life. Don't get we wrong, I bust my hump for my company, for my client, but I don't have the drive to push for loftier goals. I have become complacent with my future...see that's me telling the half truth; the whole truth is I have not set any work goals for a long time, I see work as my meal ticket. that I do, so why can't I do it with my career. I guess I am almost asking you guys as my readers, is this destructive behavior? I just have never really had that drive? And now that I think about it... I don't think that I have had that drive with anything in my life...OUCH!!! - I think that I just answered my own question... **DING**LIGHTBULB** Or a H-Bomb being dropped on my head! I guess that's a reason for my daily adventure...

I want to encourage myself to find passion everything that I attempt with the drive and determination to follow thru... As much as everything in my life is so exciting right now, it is also incredibly depressing to think it was all right there in front of me and I ruined it; like defacing the Mona Lisa with a mustache the most beautiful thing was tainted, by me and I have to live with it. I want to share my passion, I am overflowed so be ready for a mushy, fun loving, emotional man that is ready to lay on you readers!!There is no way to focus on the positive at every moment, only the fact that there is a tomorrow and I am going to see it...

"Baby Steps, Baby Steps, Baby Steps" - Bill Murray - What about bob?

- Cheers

MAN-icure!!

Keeping with the positive trend (F' yeah!!! 2 days in a row! Suck It negativity, your my Bitch... for now) and my ever incessant need to keep things equal between my parents, I thought it would be a perfect time to spend time with my Mommy. Being that it was hump day, in the middle of a long week, with her just finishing a labor intensive brief for a meeting Thursday, why not take a load off and have someone else do the work.

Now lets preface this: I am incredibly secure in my masculinity, I love women (lets be honest a specific one), and yes my manhood is fully intact. This is not my first experience with a Nail Salon and won't be the last. Now who ever made the social rule that a man getting a manicure was a nancy boy never had the relaxing experiencing of clean massaged hands & forearms. I mean really, the word itself has the word MAN in it...thus it should be enjoyed by men, in addition to the better half of our species. Your hands are extremely important appendages that greatly enhance you daily life, so why not take care of them accordingly! I mean hell we can open doors, that in it self is an amazing feat in comparison to the remainder animals that inhabit the world.

As we walked in there were 2 other younger women (college aged) getting their respective mannie / petties done, who gave me a puzzled look with a little smirk as I passed. The harsh realities of the metrosexual tendencies men of this era (And no I am not one of them) find

appealing, where I would reply judge lest not be judged! Hey Ladies, Men like to look and feel good about their appearance just as much as you do (consider you learned)! My mom decided she wanted a pettie so she was seated adjacently so we converse, and that we did. We talked shop (some neat opportunities for our little company), about her new vineyard, my time at Dream Dinners, and life in general. So few times as you age do you get that one on one time with a parent, too many times it's a family outing, or in our case business related. It was great to catch up without the dynamic environments that we usually accustomed to.

The woman doing my nails (God, anyway you say it, it sounds Gay), quietly worked, being extra careful; a nice change from my feeble attempts to cut my cuticles with a rusty butter knife. While she massaged my hands I was like butter melting over an open flame, all the stress of the day wore right off. After she had finished, a weird thing happened, after her joke of "what color do you want? HAHA; she asked if I wanted a clear coat saying that it will protect my nails and is usually done for her male customers. MEN... DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP... Its ridiculous, demeans your manhood every time you walk into a lighted area your nails shine. THAT I HAVE FOUND TO BE THE LINE YOU DON'T CROSS WHEN GETTING A MANICURE!

A fun relaxing way that doesn't take a lot of time, and really lifts your spirits making your hands feel 10 pounds lighter. Guys be ready for the snares and jeers of the ladies present, just stick out your chest as to say damn right, I'm here, not queer (not that I have anything against, just using them as a stereotype) so get used to it!

- Cheers

A Night With Chef Boyardee

Noticing that I have been an enormous Debbie Downer lately, but what I have learned that honesty is not a part time job, it's the only thing other than breathing that you do (should do) every second of every day of existence. If what I write puts you in a melancholy state just realize that as my readers you are helping me more than you know. Like the man behind the curtain controlling The Great and Powerful Oz, you are my inspiration, my outlet, the people I can share every aspect of my mental and emotional growth. As much as I write this for myself and will continue to do so even if you leave me, it gives me the fortitude to continue knowing that you guys won't give me an inch (which I love). So what I am trying to say is, Thank You from the bottom of my heart; even those who read and don't follow... don't be scared come on in the waters fine).

Well today I break the mold that I have unfortunately confined myself in lately; evolve from the ugly caterpillar doomed to a life on the ground, to a beautiful butterfly flying lively in a gentel breeze. Not sure that I won't devolve immediately tomorrow, but such is life and I'm content with it. I can only hope to lean on this positivity when I reach those pits of despair that inevitably lie ahead.

As I basically share a birthday with my dad (29 Dec & 3 Jan) I have grown accustomed to combining those events into one grand gala, where the world stops for our every whim, every shot is a hole in one, and money floats down from the heavens all to celebrate that we graciously spend time on this little pearl called earth... Ace Ventura exhale after the run on sentence.

To be completely honest, what my birthday has become is a race to see if my Dad will turn 50 before I reach 30. Contrary to modern science & logic I am still destined to prove that it is possible, but you would be surprised how hard it is to get your hands on a DeLorean though my schematics for a Flux Capacitor are coming along quite nicely. I find it sad that as we age, we lose the desire to turn the dial every year. I long for the youthful enthusiasm desperately yearning for that special day to arrive.

To support the one special day, Candy (step-mom, only by name - she's nothing less than another mom) decided to give us a conjoined gift. Now the theory behind the gift was way outside of the box, and potentially scary for my Pop. She presented us with a Gift Certificate to what we thought was a cooking class. My Dad, who has cooked an entire meal less than the amount of fingers he has, is no Chef Boyardee. An award winning GrillMaster that might had a minor panic attack when first being presented this opportunity. I couldn't of been more excited to see the man that I so dearly look up to with an apron on struggling to make a bowl of cereal (too harsh?).

We were both pleasantly surprised that it wasn't a class at all(although at first I was moderately disappointed)! This place called Dream Dinners, has a great new concept - Making dinners easy. Customers pay to prepare delicious meals in great quantities, with ingredients and instructions easily discernible by the dimmest of lights to put it nicely, including the Summers Men. There were 12 stations each of which have a different entree all clean and orderly containing all the necessary pieces to "constuct" meals. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!! An awesome experience with my dear old Dad!

We scurried about the the stations laughing, "carefully" (lol...yeah right) measuring, mixing, packaging, and labeling (cause I don't want anything he made). The whole process took about an hour and by the end we had made 21 servings all packed in ziplock bags ready to be placed into the freezer. From Black & Blue Cheese Steaks to a delicious looking Italian Sub, we will be fed for many days to come. My Dad even said, "I am going to do all the cooking for the next week!" Hear's the Kicker, all of that plus 2 sides for $100 bucks! That's right 100 American dollars, what a deal if you ask me.

Last night I left my cares, worries, thoughts, and most of all my emotions at the door and had an experience that I certainly needed. I highly recommend Dream Dinners, its fun, easy, and in the ends provides you delicious sustenance, which we all desire.

Someone once said, "Avoid Fruits and Nuts. You are what you eat" ... Hmm, maybe I need to change my diet.

- Cheers

Just A "Normal" Guy

Ok... So the premise of this ludicrous journey is sharing my new experiences and finding myself, while spewing my emotions like Old Faithful. Now I try to stay as positive as I can, but honesty has been and will always be the staple of this testimony. With the disclaimer out of the way....

Every bone of my body was urging me not to do an adventure yesterday. I had a nightmarish Monday at work, and was busy until 9:30pm, so I thought to myself that I would cheat and talk about and try to pass my trip to the Supermarket as a grand adventure. How weak would that have been. So Mind Over Matter, I headed out looking to get into a "Situation" as so eloquently put by Mike from the Jersey Shore (yep went 28 posts without one).

For an entire day I focused on tasks to support other people (yeah...yeah the supermarket, but I went there for Dog and Cat food, I just happened to shop for myself. Oh BTW, shopping for yourself is depressing; meat, snacks, and drinks that's it that's all), so even though all I wanted was to sit down and relax my will power pushed me to Normal Heights. I figured a nice walk would help me clear my head, and think about my emotional roller coaster that is my everyday. Well it was a the right time to do it 10pm on a Monday, but it was surprisingly busy with the likes of the normal weirdoes that seem to inhabit Lestat's. It was an open mic night and I would of gone in if I was still partaking in Adult Beverages (yeah I know I had a glass of wine of the tremendous bottle that I shared with my new friends, BUT GET OFF MY BACK - its easy not to and I don't want to; so that puts it to rest!!) Phewww...

Back on point; I walked both sides of the street, stoping to give the local less fortunate souls (who for all I know are more stable than I am, funny isn't it). And right on cue, the whole reason I am doing this adventure a day thing, something happened that made the whole day seem worth it. I reached the end of the street and crossed to the corner of El Zarape Restaurant, which was closed the dining room was black but a familiar noise that accompanies all of my family gathers was still radiating from it. The bar area was dimly lit, still closed but a band was practicing playing mexican music by the near by window. I stopped for about 15 mins, sitting leaned up against the wall just listening, where of course my emotions got the better of me, thinking about what I have done and almost did to my family. I started picturing what my future should of been, what I hope that it still becomes. It seems so far away, but its right there (see previous post)... At that moment I realized that the road ahead was long, and hope is all I have for my future. At least I'm on the right road, but it's freighting having no idea where it will take me!

I haven't tried living as just Justin until now, I am ready for the daunting task.

- Cheers

Quality Time of the Highest Quality!

Now I see that it's fitting that I'm writing about adventures that I do while eating... As simple of a task that is, I have have an incredible time doing it. I have consumed empty calories for the animalistic urge to sustain life. As I have stated before, I am a foodie, which makes this whole process a little more difficult. So to counteract my struggles, I have tried to put myself in social situations during feeding time to increase the probability of consuming and actually enjoying it. And it's hard not to eat when people watch, certainly not when I usually eat like a fat man trapped in a supermarket.

Finding true quality time is an art form, free from distractions, no goals to achieve, no deliverables; a time where nothing else matters other than that exact moment with the people who you share it with (or just yourself). As a society America has become a group of over indulgers. Whether its work, play, or just getting caught up in the meaningless tasks that burden us everyday we hardly have/make the time to "stop and smell the roses" (So cliche but true). I am one of the largest perpetrators of this most heinous of crimes.

In the attempt to do my hard time, I had the perfect opportunity to repent by spending an afternoon in the company of my Nana, Tata, and Aunt Nan (I assume as my readers you know a little about my life, but in the rare case that I peeked some interest outside of my circle they are my grandparents). Family that in their opinion I don't see quite often enough, which I would agree; but family that have had a profound impact on my life. From my lovable nickname coined by my Aunt Nan (Baby Leap), to the manners that my Nana instills in me to this day, to the man that identify as the one I most resemble (positive traits that is, and if there is a man that I can grow into I hope it's him), they have been their all the way. Just another perfect example the the large support structure that I have been blessed with.

We went to lunch at this adorable (I always feel a little weird about using that word... it makes me feel extremely feminine almost delicate like a dainty flower, just shouldn't come from a rugged man like myself) little Lebanese/Middle Eastern restaurant (Mama's Bakery) that had character that could fill Qualcomm Stadium. It was an old craftsman style house that had been converted to a sidewalk dining area boasting great food. The inside was colorfully painted with patio style seating, attached was a kitchen no lager than a cracker jack box, where the ladies feverishly worked to meet the incredibly high demand. What was really special was watching them make the "pita" (seruji or something like that, they prepared it fresh, rolling the dough and cooking it on a heated rock (half dome looking thing) right there in the kitchen; remarkable and remarkably good.

We sat out side lounging, eating slow conversing, laughing as we always do... But it was different, and has been different for me. Those of you who know me know that I am a conversationalist (to put it lightly) always in the middle, waiting my turn to be heard... But lately I have noticed a change in my demeanor, I have been much quieter in all of my social situations. I am hoping that it is me getting in touch with my perceptions and feelings and how they shape what I want to say. Is it possible Mr. Summers is actually learning how to listen, comprehend, and respond... how exciting! There is a part of me that thinks it is only because I have low self esteem, and mildly unhappy... but that's negative speak and doesn't exist in my universe anymore.

Shhhhh..... Listen... Can You Hear That???....... I Can :)

- Cheers

Something's Fishy...

For all the negativity that has surrounded my life, the constant abrading of the pessimistic downbeat well that is my mind, I found it high time to treat myself to an evening of leisure. Now one cannot escape the vastness of the mind, I assure you that you can't; but a temporary reprieve from the grind of finding one's self can be obtained. Experience new sights, new sounds, new smells and especially new tastes! To let you in on a little secret, I take after my mom when it comes to our pallet. We will shove anything down our gullet, two fisted barely stopping to breathe, or wipe our face for that matter. But when it comes to FISH, we will kindly decline... See where this is going :)!

Living so close to downtown, and for the past 2 years spending so little time there was a travesty. Vibrant and bright, more alive than you or me; full of interesting characters and fresh faces awaiting the adventures of a beautiful Saturday night. As the statement above might tell you I am a bit of o foodie. Whether it is cooking, eating, or seeing a delicious entree as it passes by I love everything about food. I will try anything...but not love everything, and to date I have never given fish a chance. I dislike the smell, taste, consistency, bones, scales, hell everything. That is the old me, the pre-judger - the one who is not open to my scaly & potentially delicious friends.

The adventure was getting downtown; I got into the most rickety bucket of bolts there was on the road. The cab driver had to pull off to the side of the freeway to check the tires because we were swerving all over the 4 lane highway. As soon as I got off the freeway, I kindly exited and switched cabs... felt bad but I was not about to end up on the news to make sure this cabbie got a full fair.

Anyways, went to dinner @ Lou & Micky's and splurged on a nice bottle of wine at the bar waiting on my table. As the bartender opened the Zin, I was noticed by my future dinner mates and a conversation ensued. As Vince Vaughn would say, "I'm not a talker, I'm not a talker." Its funny how things take shape so quickly, where a kind word turns into a polite conversation, that ultimately continues with dinner. I am enjoying my time to myself, but it was great sharing a wonderful meal with some new found friends.

Back to the adventure... I wanted to start slow, so I ordered the Mahi Mahi in a teriyaki glaze. I was blown away how easily it went down. I could still taste the fishiness, but it was delicious! Guess who is excited to have another fish dish (Dr. Suess moment)! One fish, two fish, white fish, errrr.... pink fish (salmon)... A scary next step. But one I can't wait for, probably...maybe?

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, Teach a man to eat fish and include them in his food chain!

- Cheers

Doobies Trip to Dr. Kevorkian - Guess Who Won?

Ok... So for the majority of this "blog" I have focused on what has been going on in my life, sharing with you my thoughts and more importantly feelings on a daily basis. I write this stuff not for you, but for me... I get way more out of expressing myself then the occasional chuckle and thought provoking statements that I provide to my readers. Today (Friday), the thing that I fear (cause that usually what I talk about) is the health and safety of Da Boys. I have touched upon how important they are in my life, how in all actuality they are my safety blanket. What I haven't mentioned is how much I think about them; constantly as if they are my children. The bond we share is not one of owner & animal, but what I assume a father and son realize... a feeling that I hope to share with a son or daughter of my own species someday (see yesterday's post about hopes, dreams, wishes).

Let's just say that I haven't been the most emotionally stable person lately, BUT... that's a good thing cause I am finally just being Justin. What I have learned is that I have no control, and my little boy is no exception.

Crew (Doobie Doobies) the beacon of positive energy, excitement, and the thrill of living that everyone animal or human should possess... the problem is he is not himself. From the moment I wake up, to the second I shut my eyes, I vicariously live my life thru my little boy. His smile lights up the room, his energy electrifies a room like a lightning bolt, and his personality sets the tone for every moment.

Knowing all of this, one could understand that if he is not alright... nothing's alright. I came home and as I do every day the first thing I do is let Da Boys in... They crash through the french doors as if they are made of butcher paper, jumping, playing, happy that we (oops, I) are home. Well this time was different; my little man let loose the highest pitch, loudest yelp that I have ever heard. Riling in pain, with nothing that I could do my heart sank, and of course the thin line that I walk with my emotions was easily crossed. I am helpless.

I think that if I had 2 wishes in my life (I say 2 cause the first one would be used on yesterday's blog) it would be the ability for Da Boys to speak. I know that they understand me, not just commands but dialogue; what I want if not just once is to hold a conversation with them, because I know that they would provide me with enlightening insight.

All I can hope for is a speedy recovery, and the occasional time where we lock eyes and we can read each others minds. Now if I could look in the mirror and do the same thing I would be set...

- Cheers

Look No Training Wheels

I know I am a little behind, but I assure you that I am not skimping out on the adventures. On Thursday I decided that I was completely over stressed and feeling like a bus had just come thru and smashed into my emotions leaving only rubble behind. So I thought to myself that I need to do some crushing of my own, in the immortal words of Ken Larson "CRUSH! CRUSH! CRUSH!" With my client off to lunch (which rarely happens) at a Colonial Dames event, I took the opportunity to unchain myself from the server room and see the light of day. I suited up and headed towards Mission Bay on my bike! What a beautiful day! I feel a great amount of grief that there are people in this nation are subject to the harshness of a cold, snowy winter. If I could place an order I would say, "Give me 75 and sunny, without a cloud... oh yeah and a side of nice cool breeze to go with that, Thank you." For all my east coast friends, there is no argument one could offer to tell me that your hometown is better, although I love all your homes, and I have grown fond of one place in particular... but I am afraid of never seeing it again.

Anyways, the ride was very relieving, the kind of experience that really puts your mind in a good place. Turning off the thoughts of what needs to be done, subduing my emotions if not only for a moment (worth its weight in gold), and soaking up the rays of that big happy light in the sky. The setting is serene, a calm day down by the water as I pedal to the tunes of Incubus. My usual route takes me from the office down to Mission Bay golf course, back a lap fiesta island and back to the abyss of my job. A much better lunch than I am accustomed to; head down in a sandwich in front of my computer chewing and working at the same time. And everyone knows that working out is the best way for you to be positive, distracting you from yourself as you can focus on finishing. Phew...

As much as I relied on this menial task to release me from my heaven & hell of my emotional state, it worked only slightly. Have you ever wanted something so bad that it consumes every piece of or existence? That everything you do, think, see, hear, wish, dream all comes back to that one thing? That is where I am, and the toughest thing is realizing it's right there in front of me staring, taunting, full of false hope and I can only catch a glimpse of it were all the while I know that I don't deserve it. Grasping at thin air I fight the urges to dedicate my life to that one thing that I want most.

***As my readers, you are saying, "Justin, We all know what your talking about! Stop Bullshiting and being so cryptic". Which I would promptly respond, "I know, your my readers, a lovable bunch of intelligent rapscallions, but piss off and write your own blog!". ***

It's very unnerving to know that you have no control of your hopes & dreams. What's even scarier to think of is those hopes and dreams turning into sorrow as you wallow in self pity while they consume your life. And thats what I am learning to deal with right now, acting in a manner as to get out of their way. Stop fighting, expecting, wishing that I deserve them - hoping, wondering what is to become of that thing that I want most. No longer do I have motives in my actions, no longer chasing that what I truly covet in this world, but maybe finally patiently waiting to see how things come to pass. Spectating is the most difficult thing in my life to do, idly pacing in my mind while it seems that it is all right there in front of me for the taking.

The understanding that I don't want to take anymore is spiritually & mentally uplifting. It doesn't guarantee that I will achieve my life's destiny, but it ensures that my life is something that I can be proud to say I lived...

- Cheers

Dr. Summers... Maybe Someday?

If you are an avid follower you know that I have ventured to a game of the surprising, exciting, and Nationally Ranked (#6) your San Diego State Aztecs Basketball team (and if you don't follow know you know). For the last 4 years I have been one of the few faithful to genuinely support the team thru thick and more thin. It does make it a lot easier that I receive free tickets and free meal & drinks rubbing elbows with boosters and famous SDSU alums. Be that as it may, I find myself leaving every game hoping that my voice will make it through the night. Last nights game as all home games have been this year was sold out to capacity, and all I wondered where were all the Aztec faithful were when the team was existing in mediocrity. Just sayin' the bandwagon is full.

** Last night was a treat, as the Aztecs have emerged as a national power, so brings the people that want to be seen at the game. Ok it's not the Lakers front row, with Jack Nicholson, nor the Knicks with Spike Lee, but filled with some local heros and celebrities. Antonio Gates, full bling in his ears, Bob Scanlon (channel 4 TV personality, former MLB pitcher), but the most prolific in my opinion, SDSUs own STEVEN STRASBURG!!! Now I have met the guy before, but a young boy, son of one of my dad's employee's, who plays travel ball BTW got to have a conversation with the flamethrower. The coup de grace (pronounced koo de graa) was the question that young boy asked him.. he said "What MLB batter were you afraid to pitch to?" The answer, "I wasn't afraid of any of them", and I am not the only one that is excited about his potential.

BUT... Let's get to the real reason of the post! I want to try to do a NEW adventure everyday, since I have done a SDSU game before what was I to do... Well, what a better way then going back in time...TO COLLEGE! My Dad and I left early, so I could walk the campus, knowing that IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS. The campus was bustling with eager youngsters (relatively) talking about majors, interesting lectures, and the dreams of what they hope to achieve. Man do I miss those days, where all of my potential was ahead of me, the expectation that I would easily achieve all my goals. These kids are oblivious to the real world, the constant grind, the concessions, the compromises that you make, until you reach a point where you yearn for that innocence again.

Like a grain of sand in the Sahara I immersed myself in the micro-society of a college campus. I am Jack's enthralled sense of Jealously!! (Bonus points for naming the movie!) Life was so easy, a constant cruise control, I know that my parents don't want to hear it, but let's be honest people Justin = Easy st.

Now that the daily routine of adult responsibility constantly pounds me over the head, I can't help but think that I am destined to return to the land of academia. I want it, I wish for it, and yet I put it off... Why? I'm too busy, I have responsibilities, I have a job? A Life? PSHAW... I have fear (period). But the bizarre thing is fear of what???

- Cheers

*Movie: Fight Club

How About a Burger, Pilgrim!

Imagine a dark, dingy setting where weary rustlers wear their emotions on their sleeve from a hard day's work. Sitting, sulking, drowning their worries with a drink in one hand, and what is left of their dreams in the other. Walking the thin line between sorrow and madness whilst they indulge in their libations. Revoked it's right of passage, sun light is as unwelcome as Johnny Law, and feared greater bringing the grind of the trail to ahead. The solidarity would make the most Ernst man crazy. That is the type of place and cliental I imagine that Longhorns Bar/Restaurant would cater to if properly placed in history.

Now, as everything in this great country of ours it is reduced to a themed attraction. A memorial, a tribute to one of America's foremost authority on Rugged Manhood, Mr. John Wayne. I am not sure that they could have picked a better representative of their humble establishment, because most of what I described about is true. A dimly lit, hole in the wall, a total dive - But a staple in the Summers Family lore. I might have been harsh with my comment of themed restaurant, it hasn't changed for 40 years, decorated wall to wall in John Wayne chotchkies, much of which I can only assume very valuable. A small place really, bar up the left attached to the grill, no kitchen, and dining tables on the right with the all too familiar sticky red vinyl booths. But the piece de resistance is located in the back, a veritable shrine to the man, the myth, the legend - THE DUKE! As you can see they spared no expense when meticulously constructing that tomb. The room has an eerie stalker like quality that passes quickly to a sense of awe. I'm not sure where/how they obtained this memorabilia but painstakingly done provides quite a treat. The food is good; burgers are great, and the Freedom Fries delicious. I have been a patron of this place for as long as I can remember and will be forever.

What makes this place special, is not the food, nor the Duke, it's the company that joins me. It's the first place (and often the last) we think about as a family when choosing an eating destination. The table is full of current events of each other experiences, reminiscing of embarrassing experiences, poking fun at each other's every day rituals and quirks, a time when life stands still and you focus on what's important...family. Now in the past year or so I have struggled to find the balance of what is too much family & what is too little. Always feeling guilty when evading them, prodded & badgered to call, never really making the necessary time. I had lost the way...

Since a youngster, family was my world. I was always around it (couldn't escape it if I tried), and I was happy, excited in every new experience I had with them. As I grew older, I grew apart as many of us do, losing a large piece of me along the way, and until now I didn't realize how profound effect that would have on my mental state. My grandmother told me last night, "You just have to let your kids go away for awhile, but they will always come back." Simple yet powerful, I am now trying to come back and it's much easier to fly that direction, then to head in the other. Live and learn, and in the immortal word of The Duke himself, "Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid".

As an aside, I had a pretty difficult night/morning waking up around 3:30am, to an immense and overwhelming feeling of misery, guilt, sorrow, and regret. As I have written before about my boys and their intelligence, while broken into tears they hoped onto the bed, and sandwiched their dear old dad! What a relief to know that they have the emotional intelligence to take care of me in kind, as I hope I do for them. I had a very stable day today, "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways" - The Duke.

- Cheers