Tata's 75th Blow-Out!!

(Saturday 2-12-11)

THE BIG 75!! My Tata the life of this family, the man with the smile for days, and the jokes that can and will last as long... The man that will hopefully live forever! (I know that he won't and he even jokes that he has made his peace, but there is that little piece of my heart that hopes he will, cause a lot of us will be lost without him... Wow already a blubbering, crying idiot and we're talking about a momentously happy time.)

OHH WHAT A NIGHT!!! I haven't see that many beaner's in one place since a pot of pinto beans on the stove! It was just like a 1980 Ford E Series Van with no windows had just crossed the border and backed up into my moms garage, when dozens of men with dirty sanchez's hopped out with slicked black hair under a cowboy hat and boots that could put an eye out, and tens of women piled out with 3 pound orange bags for sale! We all know that those are the best family members on the face of this earth, no other race can compare... cause face it folks for Mexicans family is all we got!! With no less then 40 people present and the occasional white face sprinkled in, (hey we don't want to be cited of holding a racist rally) we began the fiesta that shook the house like a Boeing 757 flying directly overhead.

Ok so I am exaggerating just a little (yes a very very little) as we are domesticated in the slightest sense, but none of us possessing an indoor voice ESPECIALLY UNCLE RUBE, noted by my yelling out of the window of my moms house (let me preface it by saying that my mom has started to install a winery in her large yard... it was just so perfect that all the beaners parked below). I noticed them walking up the dirt hills, when I said, "Ustedes ven aqui! Quieres una cervesa para su trabajo malo" (OK high school spanish rears it's ugly head!) What I roughly said, or what I understand it to say granted its most likely wrong, "You guys come here! Want a beer for your bad work!" Not bad for me I guess, and it is one of my regrets that I haven't strived to learn the language... Hmmm... maybe another adventure???

With everyone in the house the walls reverberated with laughs, stories, jokes, and most of all love! We had family that we rarely get to see down from LA, but it always seems that we never loose a step. Although this time was different, everyone was so much older, the kids were bigger, and life has changed so much. The thing that wasn't missed is the love!! I can't stress that enough. I thought it was going to be hard to be around all of those people for me since the tough times that have surrounded me lately. But it was a safe place, where I couldn't help being perfectly open and honest with everyone, I was at home, surrounded by the people that make a place a home. Wow this is sounding so selfish cause the party wasn't even for me but I couldn't help but take away all the positivity that radiated around me.

The food was amazing! It always is, and that's enough to be said about that! Out of all the good that was taken away, it was as close to perfect that I can come to right now. There was a missing piece, a missing feeling, the fact that I was never able to share this experience breaks me down. I know that I have no control over it, but the feeling will be there and will always be there. the healing process feels like a glacier migrating down to warmer waters, and all I want to be is on board with Keanu Reeves on the bus that can't go slower than 55... It's really hard to constantly keep your eyes on the prize, but the prize I've realized is far to precious and far to necessary for survival.

Happy Birthday Tata!! I love you, I know you know how I feel about you! And I hope you consider jumping out of a plane with me someday!

- Cheers

I Can Pop A Lot of Tires!

(Friday)

Another beautiful day in San Diego was calling name, urging me to come out and play! So I heeded the call and hopped on my bike and headed out... Ok that's the short story. Let's get to the adventure of it!! The main reason for the bike ride was to go look at a car down in Mission Beach where I figured that I could grab some lunch and then head down to PB and see what kind of trouble I could muster up. The car is a 1983 Alfa Romero Spyder (little 2 door convertible), now I know what all you are saying, "Justin what about the Gladys (my Triumph), when you gonna finish her?" Well I would much rather be putting the money back into her, and spend some much needed quality time with her... but it seems now that I have a permanent resident in my garage (all of Loomis' crap) so that is out of the question. AND DAMNIT YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE AND I'M TIRED OF WAITING!! (But Gladys will one day reign supreme!)

Well I got a really rough start! So I knew that this ride was going to be a little more relaxed and slower than my normal road bike pace, so I dusted off the mountain bike and fully intended to sputter around the beach area. Both tires were flat and I proceeded to pump them up, got them to a sufficient level and took it for a quick test ride. I love riding bikes, something about it brings me right back to my childhood tooling around on my Huffy BMX bike. After a few laps I decided that the front tire needed some extra air, and that's where the debacle began. While increasing the PSI, I F'ing broke the stem from the F'ing tube!!! DAMIT!! STRIKE 1! Well already running late, I decided to head back to the office, to get the road bike and hurry about my way.

With the negativity out of the way, I was really enjoying my leisurely pace making my way from my office down to the Balihi Hotel. The scenery was breathtaking, as most of all San Diego is, over the bridges in Mission Bay, the roller coaster at Belmont Park, the sandy Boardwalk (for all you east coasters that say it's not a true boardwalk, ok you got us... Concrete Walk!). I met the guy selling the car, a nice Aussie fellow and the car was in pretty good shape and I am seriously considering a new acquisition. But for another day... I made sure to stop by the front of the hotel and say Hi to the Seal (a small environment but he has some pretty sweet diggs!). After leaving, my tummy was rumbling and since that hasn't been happening often I decided to immediately grab a bite. I ended up at the Sand Bar, meeting up with an acquaintance who was re-modeling the upstairs. The food was good, lots of laughs, and a nice bar tender who was putting up with a lot of shit from the workers who had just finished their day and were partaking in some libations. I could of sat there all day, but decided to get on my way and down the Concrete Walk I went, weaving thru the crowds narrowly missing a couple of rollerbladers. Which are just inconsiderate people BTW, they think they own the roads with there stupid 90s headset radios with the antenna, the un cool 80s Varnet sunglasses, and of course the outdated Lightning TRSs.

Moving on and off the boardwalk I decided to ride down Grand and then Double back down Garnett before peddling my way back. For those of you have driven down that area you know that the roads are not exactly the smoothest flat surfaces in the whole world. Therefore the ride on the road bike wasn't very enjoyable. After a few blocks I decided that I should cut it shorter then I intended and I happened to be next to Bogart Yogart :0) !! After a small vanilla with Oreo cookies, and Andies mints I met up with a fried who was down in the area, and that's when the "fun" began... While getting on my bike I notice a sinking feeling... another Flat!!! Needing to make it to meet my friend, I threw the bike on my back an jogged about 6 blocks... ugh! Not as relaxing as I had hoped. When I got there I sat down next to the sidewalk, breaking out my mechanic skills. The tire change happened faster than a NASCAR swap... Was back up and riding faster then Speedy Gonzalez, and was back down even faster!! I had bent the F'ing Rim on one of those damn pot holes... Now I am stranded in PB, with only 90 mins to be at Grandma's hose for Friday's family dinner. So with a Great Big S on her chest... Super Grandma came to the rescue!

With the bike in the back and my tail between my legs I got into the car pretty damn embarrassed (I used the word damn a lot this blog didn't I). I crammed in a lot on Friday! So dinner with the family was no different then the others, it's always a wonderful experience sharing laughs, remembering stories, and the food just tops it off! I am so glad that we as a family unit make sure that we make the time on a regular basis to see each other. Too often in recent past I have been stand offish, I would put myself in a prison cell without even notice what I was doing to myself and mental health. I thought that my family was always there, that I couldn't escape them, but do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? Why would I ever want to escape from them, I have been truly blessed and I need constant reminders of that simple fact. Make the time people, because they will be there, you can't escape, no amount of running away will ever rid you of them... and in my case it's because I am a slow runner!

Remember though, Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts!

- Cheers

Da Boys 1st Run??

(Thursday)

I have spoken in great detail about my boys (Crew and Rawley) and how much they mean to me and the bond that we share (a proverbial father by any sense to them). The way they greet me with the intensity and excitement as if I was Homer returning from the Trojan War (read the book The Odyssey, and become as learned as I) every day as I come home from the daily grind. In every essence my kindred spirits, which unfortunately I have inadvertently not giving enough attention to in my humble opinion. Therefore, even after a long day, getting home at 7:45 I needed to make an effort to support there needs, as they have helped with mine.

One of my biggest problems to date is my weight... Or the lack thereof! I know all you flamers are going to say Justin you suck your complaining about losing weight, blow it out of you ass I don't want to hear about it... Well then don't listen. Look there is a healthy way to lose weight, and I am not doing it!! I am just strictly not consuming, I am still having to force myself to eat... not enjoying the process as I usually do, not having the passion to cook (which really bothers me BTW, it was one of my favorite pastimes). I need to take the initiative to do it the right way, so I decided to take Da Boys on their first jog (at least with me). Now they are both runners, to be honest I have 1.5 runners, and we all know who is the half (sorry Mr. Pants), but I have never run with them attached to a leash. So in the pitch black I suited up, laced on the tennies, and strapped up the boys... and prepared for a wild ride!

Now what I figured to take place was a tangled mess stopping every 20 feet to readjust, only to end up walking out of frustration. What took place was odd and unexpected. Guess who was leading the way???? Mr. Pants!! Yes, Pig Pants... Fat Pants. No I know what your thinking, Justin you are just making things up to urge the readers to continue on, to entertain... Come on people I can't make this up, because I know with good conscious your not going to believe it anyway... so why write it at all? CAUSE IT HAPPENED!! And if I gain 1 believer it will all be worth it! I was surprised how everything worked out so perfectly... our fearless leader in front, leading the charge and me and Doobies falling in line like good soldiers. Never did we break stride, never a falter down to the bottom of my hill and back up! Good little pace and work out if I do say so myself.

As we labored back home, I started to realize how out of shape I was, and the only thing that helped me make it was the extra 10 pounds I wasn't carrying with me. Opening the door me and Mr. Pants both panting heavily gasping for that precious O2, we both looked at Crew as he stood motionless as if he just woke up from a nap... Are you kidding me!! That little bastard, just rubbing it in our face! He looked up as to say, "Alright guys we gonna go for a real run now?" Oh well can't win them all... But I did feel a little better about my well being, and I did feel better about spending time with the people that are ever prevalent in my life. Wish that they could read, cause I want to tell them that I love them, and their always on my minds... Guess it will have to wait until I get home :0)!

All there is to do now is pick up the fork and insert into mouth! Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

- Cheers

PS - Just some random shots of the boys, didn't even want to try a pic on the run, plus it was pitch black anyway!

Lunch w/ Meow Meow's

(Wednesday)

Let's start by saying that I am the luckiest Brothers in the world to have the 4 best siblings in the world. As most of you know the bond that you share is a one of a kind feeling, the time is irreplaceable, the smiles are genuine, and I have never felt alone in this world because I know that they are always there. I want to thank them and tell them that I love them from the bottom of my heart so Mason, Carmel, Jeff, & Tristyn I LOVE YOU!

Since the weather has been beautiful, and the server room doesn't have a skylight, I thought it would be a great idea to have lunch outside, so I could recharge my solar batteries. Heading across to Kros~Wise to make a Sammy, I thought man I would love some company and luckily Meow's was working! I asked her if she wanted to join and Hooray!!! So I packed a bag, and we were off!! We headed down to Ski Beach to sit by the water and bask in the glow of the killer rays. It was warm, but the breeze was refreshing like the bullet train on those terrible Coors Light commercials (dunno the well was dry for that smilie). We started under the gazebo, but come on man... we went out there specifically for the sun so we hurried out to a table closest to the water to fully emerge ourselves in the sunlight.

This might be one of the only times that I really don't want to get into specifics, but I want to talk about my sis Meow's and it's not my place to say. I will be an open book about my perspective, but if she wants to start her own blog she is entitled and I would be an avid reader (and follower - dig at all my readers who don't follow). Right now is a really transformational period in her life, and I am extremely worried about her. This is not a reflection on her, she is a great, well adjusted, intelligent young women! And I can't stress that enough! I am worried about something that she has no control over whatsoever. I am worried how this will effect her out look on life, my biggest fear is that she will become jaded and miss out on a much need influence that all people have to rely on. She is my little sis and that is an absolute that I cannot change (and never would want to), so my worry is how do I worry properly, how do I support, help, influence... I am almost helpless in this regard... Am I even in a state where I can be a positive beacon for her, an advocate that can make recommendations, can be there to discuss courses of action... cause for all intensive purposes I struggle with doing that for myself everyday.

I have an innate sense that I know she will rise like a Phoenix, that her will for happiness will win in the end, because frankly I seldomly (yes I know its not a word) come across a person with that desire and drive to persevere. I guess what I am really saying is I want to be there, be a rock, lean on that unbreakable bond that we share, but my newly discovered insecurity has me wavering on my ability to succeed. Not that I am not making a concerted effort, or trying my best, only that am I doing enough or correctly... constantly saying "What else can I be doing?" The conversation by the bay was deep, thoughtful, loving and brought may smiles to each of our faces, something that also lent me hope. I love my little sis and I know what Mr. Marly said rains true, "And every little thing, is gonna be alright"

Second guessing has become an art form; in which I am still just Finger-painting.

- Cheers

PS - MASE YOUR NEXT!

Insert Walking Downtown 80s Montage

(Tuesday)

In true Mary Tyler Moore Show fashion ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iso1cTVXh5M - for those who don't know what I'm talking about) I went downtown and turned on some music on my EYEphone, slapped in the ole headphones and walked through the modern jungle. This is going to sound weird, but I often (not a lot but enough to mention) think about my life as a movie, and the theme songs that would define the situations that I put myself in; for example like on a longer car ride, I imagine that the camera slowly panning out over the top of me while Running Down A Dream by Tom Petty is blaring in the background follow by the end credits are transposed over the scene. F'ing Stupid I know, but still fun to exercise the imagination from time to time. With Incubus rattling the brain and my camera man behind me the movie began.

I know that I talked about this in Sunday's blog, but it needs to be said again. I actually really enjoy downtown San Diego, and if I didn't have da boys I would seriously consider moving there. There is always something happening, the sights, sounds, not the smells it is a living being. I beginning to think that I am a city boy... Never thought I would say that, but I have talked about this already, so I will move on.

I can't believe how beautiful the Winter has been!! It is Feb 8th and it is 75 degrees with a great cool breeze. Where in world would you rather be? On the east coast in a ice storm? No thanks! Although I do love the snow, only for a week at a time, and it's high time to make a trip to Big Bear from some boarding and relaxing.

As my readers you know about my emotional struggles, and you have been a large part of my healing and growth process. Most of my posts have been indirectly negative, debby downerish, but today is one of hope and positivity. For the past 2 months my emotional state has resembled a Sine Wave (there is my engineer side rearing its ugly head) with a large amplitude, extreme highs and the deepest lows. While walking down broadway a thought dawned on me... I couldn't remember the last low... more importantly I couldn't remember the extent of the low! I'm guessing that is a good sign. I won't go as far to say that I am in control of my emotions and my only hope is to one day be the master of my own domain, it just feels really good to know that day is out there somewhere, and I'm no longer fighting a losing battle. What I am afraid of is saying all the right things, getting my hopes up, believing in myself for the first time, and then blubbering like an idiot the first time I realize what I have lost, because I know that time is out there. It will always be there, waiting to pounce on me, crush me knowing that I am susceptible, weak to its piercing blow like a mighty thrust from Excalibur exposing my insides for all to see. It will haunt me forever, stalk, hunt me down like the prey that I am... But for this day my readers I can proudly say that I am a man that can face it, and live to weave and epic tale about my victory.

For this I say, "Let the highs reach the heavens, and the lows define our character" And it's nice to realize that I am a whole man, and not just pieces of a broken one

- Cheers

Quiet Time with Justin Summers

(Monday)

After an exciting extremely busy weekend, I had a case of the Monday's and thought it would be best to take it nice and easy. What a perfect time to test that little rascal that eludes me, patience... Hmm, but how to do it?? In this technological age there is always a distraction, something to turn on and fill the void, slaying boredom forever. The problem is we as a society have come dependent on these devices to make it thru the day. For myself I have spent many of nights in front of the IDIOT BOX, with my computer on surfing the web, while texting, and occasionally playing Black Ops (actually that what happens most nights). The one good thing about this blog it has kinda taken me away from this negative daily ritual, and force me out into the world. But on this particular Monday I wanted nothing to do with it, I wanted to sit, relax, watch and vegetate but I had not done my adventure for the day :( was at a loss... until **BLING** a light bulb came on. How about a night with out anything technological???

First and foremost I want each and every one of you to try this at some point, and tell me about your experience. This was nearly impossible!! And when I mean nothing... I MEAN NOTHING! No TV, XBOX, computer, radio, oven, stove, microwave, vacuum, washing machine, diswasher, nothing turned on. So I did warrant myself 1 light on at a time, but that is it for an entire evening! Me and da boys with our thoughts, and thoughts alone, so it's safe to say that we got bored really quickly. Until you have tried this you don't really know how hard that it is, and how much you rely on technology as a source of entertainment. I know that I can only speak for myself but as crazy hard as it was it really put perspective on my use and sometimes abuse of my time.

There is no telling what I could accomplish with the amount of time that I waste everyday with mindless drooling in front of some confounded modern marvel. I find myself nearing the end of the day and saying "Man I can't wait to get out of here and go home and relax and watch TV and mess around on the computer". Really??? Not only do I spend all day on the computer looking at a screen, I can't wait to do it when I get home... Doesn't really seem logical does it? Then again who ever said that I was logical. So with my one light as my guide I dove into my book, and shared some salad with the boys! I was able to finish my book, Playing for Pizza, which was pretty good and got me super excited to start traveling; which is too little to late I know but I can only hope I get another chance.

The house was quite, silent actually which made me feel afraid for some reason, I think that one of the reasons I have something on is the safety blanket of company. I think that maybe I have a fear of loneliness, of a fear of just quite which most likely stems from my childhood, the fact that there was always someone around; someone there. The quite made me very uncomfortable and I was on edge for most of the evening, an anxiousness that I could not shake for the life of me. The kind of feeling that forces you hear even the slightest of sounds, all of them, hell even ones that you make up what you think to hear. What did people do in the olden days from going insane?

As the night dragged un it became increasing apparent that I needed that security blanket, that without it I was just a scared man all alone in the world. I mean I have the TV on when I'm cooking, knowing full well I can't see it or care what is on. Very reveling, not sure that it made me feel better about myself, but not everything that you realize about yourself is and in the end isn't better to know. I implore all of you to try it, experience how hard it is, and see if you can make it because I almost didn't. I will be doing this more often, it really slows life down and let's you be one with yourself... and now that I like that guy its a fun time.

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

When you open Windows it won't work!

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.

- Cheers

PS - For those haters who say, "But Justin you used your phone to take the pictures!!!" HAHA thought ahead, I took theses photos the next day! Suck it loser!

Super Bowl, Who Cares?

(Sunday)

One of the Luxuries of living in San Diego, and most of all being a Charger fan is that I never have to worry about watching the Super Bowl... To depress huh... Sad, but true! And to top it all off I it was hard to watch the game cause the Dem' Stillers were there again, and all I wanted to think about was one faithful Steeler all game long (and preceded to do so!). Be that as it may, I did my best not to ruin my experience. This Sunday was like every other Sunday for the past 2 months, I would lay low watch some TV, play some Black Ops, and Clean the house (never being able to really get rid of the dog hair). BUT NOT TODAY, IT WAS THE SSSUUUUUPPPPEEERRR BBBBOOOOWWWLLLL!! Are you ready for some football, A Sunday Night Party.... Well I was but not for the Stuper Bowl, but for the PPPAAARRRRTTTYYY!!!

So on Wednesday, on my trip to the Midway, I bumped into a co-worker on my way out of the office Stephanie Toms. I told her where I was headed and she asked if I wanted a ride (she lives downtown, kinda on the way), I said of course since she's rolling in her BF's Range Rover!! Sweet a 80,000$ cab ride!! WOOT! Anyways, upon dropping me off she invited me to a party that she was having for the game... Now I know what your thinking, she was just being polite; and I thought the same thing!! But she is an incredibly nice person and wouldn't say something like that if she didn't mean it... so on Sunday I had no plans, because I didn't make any cause in the back of my mind I already convinced myself I was going. Sure enough I texted her, and from what I gauged she was genuinely enthused and welcomed me with open arms!!

Ok so the ride over there I was nervous!! Do you believe that!! Me nervous about meeting new people? Never! Maybe thats because now Justin = Justin, and not some macho false male bravado version of Justin. So with nervous energy I got out of the car, and was immediately confronted by a guy asking "Are you Justin?" ... Alright here we go!!! I kindle replied yes and threw out my hand for a shake. It was Roger, Stephanie's BF, and he welcomed with great warmth, and walked me upstairs. In I walked to a eclectic group of about 20, who were all laughing, talking, and barely watching the pre-game festivities! All of them said hello with the same warmth, and I seamlessly melded into the crowd. There was tons of food, tons of great conversation, and I guess because someone told me, some sort of football game on!

Now with all the nerves gone I was able to just be myself, throw in an occasional joke, or insight (more of the first rather than the latter). Their apartment was beautiful, a 1 bedroom, on the second floor with windows facing the water, couldn't see it but it filled the place with natural light! Awesome! I spoke with Roger for sometime, and he showed me his guns...(which will most definitely be a future endeavor, he has a semi-auto rifle!! Can't wait!) and said that he liked the idea of something new everyday, which made me feel somewhat cooler (more interesting) in his eyes, dunno why but did. Made me proud to be me.

Now I have always been a suburban type guy, a house, with a big yard for the boys, and some space to stretch out... But to be honest, this was the first time that I thought to myself that I would like to live "in the city". That I could survive in an apartment downtown, that I would enjoy myself greatly... That I could rent out my house and move down there for the experience. Maybe it was a misguided thought due to the extent of fun I was having, but finding yourself is a ruff adventure, you never really sure about how your feeling at a given moment. Always second guessing your thoughts, emotions, asking yourself "Is it right to be feeling this way?, Am I on the right path?, Is this what I really want?" I have become what I thought previously my biggest fear, insecure about myself; in retrospective it feels remarkable. To finally know that it's Ok to just be me and to not be sure from time to time. It safely said that I have never been this vulnerable to myself, to my perceptions, my thoughts, my feelings, or my actions... an new found source of unlimited senses which ultimately grant me the special power of just being me.

I would like to personally thank Stephanie & Roger for being gracious hosts and welcoming me into their circle of friends. I hope it's not the last time!

- Cheers

Sunrise & Sunset - The Only 2 Inevitable Events

(Saturday)

As hard as I have tried to come up with something poetic to say with my opening line, I think apart of being honest is telling anyone at any time that you just got nothing... So people I just don't have that perfect opening, that table setter that is going to excite you to read on, the eloquently worded quote that rivals "To be, or not to be", just humbly the truth... nothing...

Thru my travels (it's 40 days today, sweet 40 blogs!!) I have found very few things outside of my control that I can rely on. Other than my family and friends, Oh Jesus what am I talking about... I have tons of people that I can rely on. Ok strike that, (wow what a start huh?) I guess what I am trying to say is that there few absolutes that occur each day. Yes, that's it much better! And now were off! Stated before through my short travels I really have only found 4 absolutes that occur in my everyday life, and in my lifetime can only see having 1 more... the only 5 things that I can say with absolute (I like that word BTW) certainty that will happen today, tomorrow, and forever. The hilarious fact about that statement is I don't even have control over 2 of them, and using the powers of deduction that means I will only have control over 3 areas of my life... Seems amazing doesn't it? I bet after you read this you might tend to agree with me, and if you don't, tell me I'm a moron in the comment section and "make it rain" with knowledge of course.

***Disclaimer*** I am not a profit, nor do I believe I know anything about the complexities of life... Never will I preach, or tell you how you should live your life. This is ONLY my interpretation, my path, and its one that I am walking, and going to walk always.

Now the 2 easy absolutes... Sunrise and Sunset, face it folks no matter what you do they will happen everyday for the rest of your lives, even if you cant see them, there are there. AREN'T WE SO LUCKLY THAT THEY ARE 2 OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EVENTS THAT HUMANS CAN SEE. So Saturday I woke up early and spent the Sunrise on my back deck with the boys, a cup of coffee, and a binks (blanket). Yes, it probably wasn't as beautiful as an east coast sunrise, (as some of you east coast readers can attest) Oh and off topic, I need to apologize to all my east coast friends for always being such a dick when talking about your beloved cities, I love my town and think it's the best place in the world but I never tried to realize that you might feel that way about your home town, so I am extremely apologetic. It was a calm serene setting, and just before that big lightbulb in the sky brightened up the day an eerie marine layer (fog for those east coasters) engulfed the park and made it's way through the houses like water through a rock bed.

The other 3 absolutes are more complicated, and I have proven them to be screwed up pretty easily in the past - My path (mental & emotional), My relations with loved ones (family & friends), & my relationship with the love of my life... That's it and that's all I have or want to have control over in this life. What these all revert back to is the simple fact of just being me, because in the grand scheme of things I only have full control of 1 thing and that's my path, the one of honesty, selflessness, passion, love, courtesy, humbleness, and constant introspection. One thing that I have the power to change... that has the power to change the other 2. I can't force it, I can't fake it because they will know. I can't work harder or faster to mend the ties that have been broken, I can't even expect the opportunity.

The only thing I can do is continue my path. I am finally the bus driver with the correct route, I hope with all my being that certain passengers choose to ride again, but in the end the course it set and the drive has begun.

- Cheers

(P.S. The bus analogy was not meant to be self serving in nature, but precisely the opposite. I do not mean that all of you are my passengers along for my ride... it was meant to say that I'm here I am headed down the right path, and I can help you get to where you want to go if asked.)

Put me in Coach, I'm ready to Play Today!!

(Friday)

As my fleeting desires escape me from the game that I played for it seemed 10 years straight (golf), none of that resembles my first sport that I love, baseball! A kid in a candy store is an understatement when I step on any field, the nervous energy, the thoughts of that game saving play, the diving, catching, hitting, and most of all running the defense with a loud mouth and perfect direction. The infield, the smells, camaraderie of a Beer League softball league, where all are out to enjoy themselves only moderately concerned with winning. There is one reason why I'm there... to feed the craving that I have to return to my youth.

I have stated my abilities before and don't want to bore you with another over inflated personal view of my talent. I love playing defense, infield mainly, patiently but eagerly waiting, anticipating a hot smash, a lazy fly ball anything... just as long as it is hit to me. On my toes the entire day I got to play the hot corner (3rd base for those who don't know) and after about a 3 month break I thought maybe that wasn't a good thing. But boy was it!!! I can only reiterate how much I enjoy playing DE-FENCE!!!

What really showed my rust was my rather lack luster day at the plate... I could of hit it with a purse harder!!! (And ladies that not a dig on you, clearly a reference to how ineffective a purse would be using it as a bat in slow pitch softball)!! I will shamefully share my line with you, 1 for 4, with a foul out, a grounder that went 3 feet, a ground out to 2nd base, and I beat out a ground ball to short in my last at bat... F'ing terrible!! Piss poor, but I was never much of a hitter. But, it wasn't all for not >>> THE KID FLASHED THE LEATHER!!!

For the first game back I was suprised how well I played in the infield, no errors, and a dunnnut dunnut (ESPN Top 10, theme) moment if I do say so myself! So the leadoff batter came to the plate in the second inning and hit a smash in the 5.5 hole (between SS & 3rd), I take react like a puma waiting for it's prey, take 1 quick step to my left and dove fully extended, luckily the field was a little wet so the in field was more like clay then hard dirt, and proceeded to snatch that ball from becoming a hit in the books. Now I had the ball and they play was only half over, I had to somehow get it over to first to beat the runner, so I popped to my knees, and like british sailor preparing for battle with Captain Jack Sparrow I loaded the cannon, and with the veracity of the late great Ken Caminiti unleashed a frozen rope (maybe not, but it works better for the story) beating the runner by 2 steps easy. One of the best feeling of the world, and a true player shakes it off like its a daily occurrence, but inside you are as hot and fired up as a coal engine on a runaway locomotive!

The kicker, we were already down 7 to nothing at that point, so it had little effect on the game, but if you don't go out there with the passion, and intensity you don't go out there at all... One might say, "Why the sacrifice?" because as is in life that's all there is, and it has taken me 28 years to find that simple truth. I have always been the kid, or now guy that want to dive over the field, to do the amazing, to finish the game with grass stains, dirt marks and bleeding scabs... playing the way the game meant to be played, and I always have, and that got me wondering about how I should have that same feeling about the way I live my life on a daily basis... Applying that sportsmanship to my life... I guess what I'm saying is being a LIFESMAN!!

Pure, full of emotion, understanding, anticipating, patience, pride, honor, truth, knowing that you can never be as big as the game, and most of all playing with love. The game of life can be played many ways and I have just learned that I need to play it the right way... the way I play baseball.

- Cheers

Father Junipero SARAH... Oops SERRA

(Thursday)

As all days were this week Thursday was no exception. Work is of course is holding up to its name sake, and there have been a lot of lunches spend hunched over a computer screen right next to my good ole buddies the servers (come to think of it I need to name them, personalize them... I'll let you know what I come up with). Today I decided to break the endless rhythm of mouse clicks, typing, fixing, and hand holding all the users of my tool and introduce myself to the sunlight... "Hello, Sunlight. It's nice to meet you, my name is Justin. And yes the pleasure is all mine."

Even though I have made the commitment to extricate, I still have my responsibilities at the office so time was of the essence...what to do??? I decided a walk through Presidio park with my book would be nice. The park is particularly special to me, I couldn't tell you how may fun and adventurous days I have spent there when I was a boy. As I can remember everyone in my family would take me there, let me run through the ruins & sculptures, hit golf balls in the grass, and of course my favorite lay down and roll down the grassy embankment like a steamroller over hot asphalt. Unfortunately, I never made it... cliffhanger!!!....

Upon parking I looked up and saw the old mission style tower at the top of the hill, and realized that I had never visited the innards of the striking structure (another thing so simple and prevalent in San Diego's culture that I haven't seen). The perfect opportunity to try something new, sorry Presidio I will visit you another day, and no it doesn't mean I love you any less. I walked up the stairs and reached the entrance. If you do not know that particular building is the Father Junipero Serra museum... the plot thickens....

The place is absolutely silent, there isn't a soul within a quarter mile radius as I enter the "administration office". I knew there would be a cover charge to get in, but I figured we are in 2010 and they would accept debit cards. Sitting behind the desk was an attractive young lady about 22-24 I would guess sitting quietly with a computer in front of her. It was obvious that I was her first patron of the day and maybe the last. She warmly welcomed me (Sarah, which I didn't know just yet) and I asked if I could pay with a card. She explained that I could, but it was a cumbersome process, forms signatures, and she would have to call it in (in this day of age)! We both smirked and what happened next surprised me, and reminded me that there is good in all people. She said, "Why don't you just go in, we are only open for a couple of hours today, and we have someone coming in to vacuum." Wow, pretty neat huh... I thanked her profusely and went inside to check it out. The bottom floor described the Fort that used to span across all of old town, with artifacts, tools, homes of the past inhabiters. Walking upstairs they have a level that gives a visitors view into San Diego history. Pictures, music, memorabilia from all current eras of "my" home SD, really cool stuff. Visitors can go all the way up to the top to get a 360 view of Downtown all the way to Mission Valley.

Walking out of the museum I made sure to thank her again for her generosity, and went on my way back to the grind... So I thought... When I got back into the car, I thought about her kindness and decided it was my duty to pay the admission fee. I hustled down to Old Town in search of an ATM, which I found promptly and returned back to the museum. As I made my way back up the stairs and around to the entrance my admission taker was outside and surprised to see me. "I had to come back and pay, just didn't feel right" I said. I followed her inside, where I introduced myself as did she Sarah...

Now I have been on a pursuit of meeting new people... I had a moment of diarrhea of the mouth!!! As I am dedicated to one in my life, and some will say, "well finally you dumbass!!!" to my reply, "Dumbass, now that's an understatement"... as I received my change without even thinking of the interpretation I asked, "Would you like to get a coffee, or lunch sometime?"... she replied, "I am really flattered, but I have a boyfriend." AWE SHIT, I am a F'ing moron, guess I should of mixed the word friend, friendly, non-date environment, something that made it know my true intensions... I fumbled through an explanation, that sounded like an excuse for the rejection, and left embarrassed and a phew... thank god she didn't say yes, Doh!

I guess through it all, I might have flattered a pretty girl and maybe made her day... at the expense of my dignity, and I'm finding that might be a good thing sometimes...

- Cheers

USS MIDWAY CV-41 - WOW!!

(Wednesday)

This experience was humbling and really put my life in perspective. I wish I could add more than 5 pictures because they don't accurately reflect her beauty. Knowing what the sailors put themselves thru, the responsibilities that the CAPT and Air Bosses were faced with, being away from your family for 6-12 months at a time - an easy way to feel shitty about the accomplishments of your own life. Who am I to say that I have persevered at anything in life? The struggles of the daily grind to operate such a massive floating city, the logistics, the living conditions, flight ops, every single person on that ship over 2,000 sailors with specific responsibilities to keep that thing afloat. I thought I had responsibilities...cha right!!!

I was completely in AWE!! If you ever wanted to feel exactly how an ant might feel on an everyday basis go see the Midway. A real marvel of modern technology and ingenuity. Every step aboard was filled with pure overwhelming information, nothing that one human can hope to retain much less understand within a 10 year period. The amount of planes alone automatically puts you into information overload. The details of the walls within the hallways and staircases would drive an engineer to Arkham Asylum (Batman crazy house). The wiring could wrap around the world 50 times, and how in the hell are you supposed to keep track of that!! I could not imagine the stress, long hours, and dedication it must take for a CAPT to be responsible of all of that steel and all those men. And to land a plane on that deck had to take some balls, with it swaying, wind blowing while all along your relying on a steel rope to catch you so you can stop (@ 4 Gs) before splashing into a watery grave. I stood at the very edge of the deck and almost shit my pants!!

As I look at my life it pails in comparison to some of the great men that spent tours on that ship, but I can only hope that means I have a lot to look forward to...

Come on everybody..."In the Navy, Yes You could Sail the Seven Seas, In the Navy, Yes You could Put Your Mind at Ease!!!"... and so on don't want to make this blog to stereotypically gay with my Village People reference

- Cheers

Later that night I was watching a favorite TV show of mine and it was about Last Words, more importantly the last words that you hear from a person that is close to you prior to their passing. This particular episode was about one character's dad passing and trying to remember what his last words to him were. I don't want to give it away for those who haven't seen it, but it brought me to tears. That is such a powerful responsibility of a person to have, and we all have it... What does it mean? Probably you should really think about every time that you leave an important person presence think long and hard what you want to say to them, cause as we all know we are on borrowed time... I can say that this truth has rocked my world, and is the reason why I included my normal sound off "Cheers" prior to this section, so here it is my readers that I adore, my family that read, and my friends who have supported me through thick and thin:

"You are beautiful specimens of the human spirt. I love each and everyone of you from the deepest parts of my soul. I wish the best for you all with your pursuit of happiness, and that may a higher power grant you what you so accordingly deserve. Thank you for being there and supporting me, and I would not be here without you. I love you!!........

And now I'm going to rub one out!"